The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward

Author: Daniel H. Pink

Title: The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward

Publisher: Canongate Books

Published date: February 3, 2022

Pages: 256

Available at: Waterstones or Amazon

Add to: Goodreads

September 2022 and my 35th birthday was looming. With the dreaded upcoming date, I found myself ruminating, fretting about the future and wallowing in the regrets of the past. Comparing my life to others around me, what I want vs what I should want. Lamenting on all the things I haven’t achieved and feeling a bit stuck in a hole. Sounds familiar, right? Well, usually when I’m commuting to work I’ll pop on Steven Bartlett’s The Diary of a CEO podcast, and on this particular day, I picked Episode 130: The Real Trick to Long Term Motivation, where he spoke to Daniel H. Pink about his latest book The Power of Regret. I felt enlightened and needed to learn more to try and tackle these negative feelings I was having.

Who is Daniel H. Pink?

Daniel H. Pink is the number one bestselling author of Drive, When and To Sell is Human. He’s sold millions of copies worldwide, and his work centres around business, work and behaviour. I’ve always seen his books on the self-help/non-fiction tables in Waterstones and Foyles, but up until this point, I’ve never felt a compulsion to read any of his previous work.

What’s The Power of Regret all about?

No regrets! How many inspirational quotes do you see about living life with no regrets? Whether it’s written across an Instagram photo, tattooed on skin, written in a song – Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien by Edif Piaf is mentioned in the book but also Robin Williams’ No Regrets springs to mind – we are constantly being told that regrets are a bad thing to have. They cause us pain, but we never really grow up learning how to manage and challenge those negative emotions, so we spend a lifetime trying to dodge them. Well this book is saying something quite different: we should reclaim regret. Don’t shy away from or feel debilitated by them; we need to re-write the script to feel empowered by regrets. Pink believes that if we spend time understanding them, they can ultimately clarify what really matters to us and instruct us on what to do next. But we must build up the courage to invite the negative emotion into our lives to eventually free ourselves from pain.

"Regret makes me human. Regret makes me better. Regret gives me hope"

Key takeouts from the book

Pink analysed thousands of entries where individuals described their personal regrets, and after categorising and recategorising, he began to see some commonalities which he split into four core areas of regrets: foundation, boldness, moral and connection.

Foundation regrets are when we prioritise our short term wants and needs ahead of our long-term needs. We may have a tendency to ‘overspend and under save’, focussing on the things that will give us instant gratification. These choices usually revolve around health, education and finance.

"Foundation regrets sound like this: If only I’d done the work."

Boldness regrets are the chances we didn’t take where we didn’t act, otherwise described as the road not taken. This one reminds of the section in the Metro called ‘The Rush Hour Crush’ where you can write in about someone who caught your eye but you either weren’t bold enough or you hesitated long enough for them to disappear from view forever… (here’s looking at you, cute guy in suit taking the train from Leighton Buzzard to London Euston 7 years ago. Hit me up)

"Boldness regrets sound like this: If only I’d taken that risk."

Moral regrets are where you’ve behaved poorly, lacked kindness or maybe followed the crowd and compromised your moral compass. You may have lied, cheated, stolen or bullied, or treated someone in an unkind way during a break up. Quite a few of the moral regrets mentioned in the book were based on a bullying experience at school or treating an ex badly.

"Moral regrets sound like this: If only I’d done the right thing."

Connection regrets are based on the people around us, those that give our life purpose and meaning but somewhere along the way you’ve been neglectful, you’ve not spent enough time or you’ve lost touch. Maybe it’s a failed relationship where you didn’t make enough effort, or you’ve avoided reaching out to old friends because you are worried they don’t want to hear from you. Maybe you have old relatives and you are constantly saying you’re going to ring and never do, or are you the dad who puts work ahead of his family…?

"Connection regrets sound like this: If only I’d reached out. "

Final thoughts

Generally speaking, self-help books tend to be padded out with a lot of fluff before getting to the point. Authors will do this by either repeating the same point in different ways, or adding information with a tenuous link. This book is no different. In the first chapter, Pink delves into the life of Edif Piaf to make the point that although she sang a song about regrets, her life was somewhat tragic so it seems unlikely she lived a life without regret. He then moves on to ironic story where someone goes into a tattoo shop and comes out with ‘No Ragrets’ permanently inked on their skin. It’s a whole chapter of countless examples and it’s really not needed. Skip or skim the fluff (the first few chapters did nothing for me) and you do get to something quite succinct and helpful.

The real meat of the book begins when he splits the types of regrets into four categories and then offers a framework on how to tackle each one. There are little exercises scattered throughout the book which I found really useful and he summarises each chapter with key takeouts.

I recommend reading this if you have a habit of tying yourself up in knots about the shoulda woulda couldas because it does help to reframe your thoughts, whilst acting with self-compassion all the while. Give it a go, you won't regret it!

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